My fiance has grown children & I dont mind that they came to take him to the movies but after the movie he called to say im going to hang out at my sons house. I'm in a similar situation, but not really sure how to approach it. As a result of his upbringing and the beliefs hed developed, he now lacks both the understanding of why boundaries are important as well as the strength to do whats required of him. He is my father, and I love him no matter what. Sometimes it even feels like you did a poor job raising her. Some people say get over it but I just keep thinking how nice it was in a past relationship where we were together for the holidays. He and his mother dont have a good understanding of boundaries because during his childhood and after, there werent any. He's always welcome to stay at our house whenever we're in town (which he does a lot of the time), and he's met my relatives. You think he's with his friends but he may be with another girl and his friends covering for him. If hes a good bf, hell understand why youre feeling that way. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. You either need to except the fact that he is borderline inappropriately enmeshed with his family and get used to it or you need to walk away. That's just my opinion though and I could be wrong. Try to ask him about it. If your boyfriend chooses his mother over you, your boyfriend isn't just agreeing with his mother and listening to her advice. OGMxYThkM2NmYzJmNTNkYzYzZjllMjUxYmJmMjkzYjc2ZTBjNjg0MDMzZTU2 ZjI3MmZiZDYyYmM3NDg0ODMxNWYwZTgyM2QzNzhhYWRmMTc1OTg0OGY4ODky You are learning this now. Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. My boyfriend always puts his kids ahead of me, I want to leave my husband because of his daughter, My boyfriends daughter is ruining our relationship, My boyfriend loves his daughter more than me. This may sound like Im controlling but Im not trying to make myself seem this way. She was lucky that he drove an hour away to be with her on Christmas day night but that was only in the later years of their relationship before they got married. They dont need a third person meddling with their business and giving them conflicting advice. So if your boyfriend chooses his mother over you, know that hes listening to her because hes scared of telling her to back off. I am still struggling to understand why he chose his daughter over me. And if you wish to discuss it with us, sign up for coaching on this page. People who meet each other on dating websites are notoriously fickle because there is such easy availability of other people. Well Im afraid I can only provide a biased opinion having experiences of dating websites, when I felt I have been given the cold shoulder in meeting for special occasions close friends or families. All bans in this subreddit are permanent. I have a friend who is trying to get away from this dynamic. Starting to feel that's just how it is and I have to deal with it to be with him. He used to be attentive and loving, but now he loves his daughter more than anything else. And she went away last year and I just had to deal with it. Hes not just going to magically change. What Girls & Guys Said. This article was originally published at PopSugar. Hes prioritizing her opinion and feelings over yours and doing what she wants him to do. I want to fix things but hes just so stubborn at times that I just dont bury him with how Im feeling about a certain situation because Im afraid hell take it in a different way. YjNjOTJiZDc2OTcxYWMzM2E2ZWRkN2M3ZDY1YjQ3Yzg5MWViYWJiYzFiMTI2 i expressed to him that our relationship should be just as much of a priority as the family. The next thing I need to do is figure out what has kept him from talking with me about this whole situation. His mom is from Pakistan, and his birth father was from India. His situation is a little complicated because his parents are divorced, so out of the 3 christmas that happen during our relationship, 1 he spend it with his mother and her family that live in another city, the other one he spend it with his dad, and the last one his spend it with his mom and stepdad, he lives with them and she doesn't really care for christmas but they spent it with his stepdad family. They had an arranged marriage after migrating to the U.S., where my boyfriend was born. I would try discussing with him that you arent comfortable having life choices revolve over his family. I love my girlfriend and my family, but I am so frustrated and done being the middle man. The content produced by YourTango is for informational and educational purposes only. In this series 'Ask Bhabi Jii' I publish questions from readers along with my response based on my opinion and personal experience. I'm not just any girl, either I'm a non-Muslim, white, born and raised Catholic. My boyfriends daughter is always around, and its like she never leaves. ZSI6IjRjYzg2N2NhOTg4YzU1M2IwOGYwMTYwNTc3ZTUxNjE5MmQ2ZWMyODIx Its evident that he lacks strength and autonomy as hes used to his mother being around and telling him how things are supposed to work. Generated by Wordfence at Thu, 2 Mar 2023 8:27:27 GMT.Your computer's time: document.write(new Date().toUTCString());. MDE3ZTQ0MThkZWRhMjA3ZDZlOGE3MzEzZTM5M2E1ODc0YjA0MzQyOTAyZTdl In doing so, hell placate her anger and make her feel important for being listened to. If your boyfriend chooses his mother over you, your boyfriend isnt just agreeing with his mother and listening to her advice. MGM0ZDU4NWU1NjhjZjRmMzZjODVlZjU2ZWQ2ZmUzOWI1Njg2ZjU2ZmMzNzhh Romantic relationships are ours alone to maintain. he is mexican & has a very large traditional family, meaning they're always getting together in large groups for birthdays, holidays, everything. I encourage fellow readers to reach out and share your experiences and opinions so that it may assist the writer and any future readers in similar circumstances. he'll always be with you. & hes still saying we should go. Y'all tripping. You are his family too. My Boyfriend's Baby Mother Still Attends Family Events - Am I wrong for bei My wife wants to have sex with a young man while visiting her family. I won't even get into how I'm called controlling for voicing my opinion. When you get through the dumpee stages, youll realize that your ex actually did you a favor. here it is almost 1 am & he still out enjoying his day. But she knew he was a man with children when she met him as he was always honest about his 3 children. For example, you guys agree that he needs to know three days in advance or else he tells his family he's busy, and after your discussion, he informs his family that he needs three days or more notice or he can't go because it's unfair to you. But I've come to accept that this is just the way it is, and her beliefs will never budge. I HATE the holidays! Honest Conversation With Him If your boyfriend constantly prioritizes his family over you, it can be tough to feel like you're a priority in his life. My girlfriend of 4 years wants me to spend Christmas with her. This may surprise some readers, but unless youve been living under a rock, parents sometimes put children before spouses. What do I do? If he is prepared, you can give him some healthy suggestions on how to make you a priority and his mother someone he speaks with (not over-relies on). And I dont know what to do because it seems like hes the one who has all the power in our relationship. The Top 4 Different Types Of Breakups And How To Get Over? Therefore, a mom who meddles with her sons relationship usually: She should be focusing on her own life/relationship, but because some important part of her life is lacking, shes trying to take charge of her sons. YjY5OTdmZjFiZWNmZjA2MDU4OGU2NzZkYWJkYjlkZjQ1ZTcyNjg5ZTAyZDIy It's a long-distance relationship, but we've made it work. I'm in another country right now and I can't leave due to certain circumstances and he knows that. In the end, we are all part of one big family, and when you think about it like that, there is no choice at all. He has never spend christmas with me. YmM0Mjk3NjQzNDQ3YjhlMmJiZjVhN2YyMzdmMDhkYWJiYjM4MzcyMDljNDM4 He always tells me that we are very different people and never wants us to be close because nothing will change. So anyways to get to the main point is that literally ALLL the time he makes plans with his friends but doesnt go through me first. You could turn it into a positive, fair enough you won't see your boyfriend this christmas, but what about if you get married in the future? I do not know if I am only asking for too much of his time or if he really chooses his family over me. YTZlY2NmZDdlNDlhMTY4NTY3ZDMyM2MyYzE4Y2NmYTRmMSIsInNpZ25hdHVy The most important part about being from a traditional moment is realizing when to say no and establishing boundaries. Rotate, take turns, whatever.but partner should be compromising to try and spend a holiday with you once in a while. Cookie Notice We learn the most from failure, which is why you cant expect a person wrapped in bubble wrap to grow much. I kept asking now she hates me. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. You can tell your boyfriend is choosing his mother over you if he spends an unreasonable amount of time with her, talks to her about private relationship matters, listens to her advice, says and does what she wants, invites her to stay over a lot, and lets her influence his feelings and opinion of you. Yesterday, I asked him if he would want to spend New Years Eve together if I planned a get together at my house (I live alone) for a few friends and him. For more information, please see our ZGQ0YWE1OTIwNzQ2YzIwMTgzOTRhZTVlMDNkMGUyOGY5MWU2MGRmNTdlYjM5 and our You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and genuinely insightful relationship advice at its most convenient. You can't expect people - even your own boyfriend or husband to protect you from external influences. How To Cope With A Breakup You Dont Want? He's prioritizing her opinion and feelings over yours and doing what she wants him to do. It ***** because no matter how much I talk to my gf about it, she doesn't seem to understand how much this decision affects me. It is difficult to keep calm when you're feeling so hurt, but try to have an open conversation with your daughter about why she's chosen her boyfriend over you. You shouldnt stay with someone whose life revolves around his mother. In order for this relationship to work, they need to give each other some space and find friends/hobbies outside of this motherly bond. Each year a load of my family come down to spend the Christmas period with us and it is full of (drunken) great times. And whenever he makes a big purchase, he has to call his family for approval. what should i do? But don't blame the pooch. & he just doesnt see it that way. I just want him to choose me but I can't say it because I don't want to be selfish and his family would hate me if I asked their son to choose me over them. MTU1MGQwZGViYTBlNjQwNDk2YjZkYzdmZWJiZTZmNzMyNTI2Zjc0YjAzNzEx I've told him I feel this way and of course he told his parents and sister. So I would be a little suspicious about whether he was being genuine in his responses to your questions. I think if your case the only thing you can do is rotate every other year. An overly mom-dependent man will likely struggle for years because he never developed the initiative and autonomy to pursue his dreams and live life the way he wants to live it. Guys Get Better With Time: Why Do Breakups Hit Guys Later? LEAVE HIM! for example today there is a birthday & they mentioned just a couple hours ago that they were doing a dinner. Unfortunately there is a very slim chance you will change this. For example, dating is prohibited hence why there are so many arranged marriages in the faith. I asked him a couple of days ago what he was doing for Christmas. Forcing time together or forbidding him to go in order to try to fix your relationship when he clearly values family above all else will not help your relationship at all. Her weekends are filled with this and she knows it will doom her. - SMART RELATIONSHIP. My husband doesnt spend money on me is that ok? He is always telling me that Im the one who wants things changed, but he has no clue how much it hurts when his daughter gets more love and attention than I get from him. He's prioritizing her opinion and feelings over yours and doing what she wants him to do. I have no family of my own and all my friends and spending the holiday with their own families so I'm all on my own this coming holiday. He said it's tradition for him to go to some party with some friends that he only sees on Halloween and New Years Eve each year. You need to set boundries. Hed been raised to believe that mothers have absolute power and the last say no matter what their sons believe and want. You just need to be HAPPY FOR HIM, any negativity towards him and his situation risks putting him down or even pushing him away. Njk4MGFjZTRhMzJlYzkwNzVkNDAxNjU5M2IyMTNlYzY5NjVjYjFhMmZjNzE5 Maybe its time for me to stop blaming myself and move on with my life. ODU4NjRjNGIzZTFiMDY2Yjg2Yzk1NTk4MWJjN2E1YzcwZTg3Mjk2MmQzOTlk I **** a girlfriend daily since 8 months. Its not something that I could ever think about having to go through, and he didnt deserve this at all. My sister said my mum wasn't keen on becoming a stepmother, but my dad stood with the 3 of them and said "If you want me, you need to accept my children as they are the most important in my life and need me the way children need their parents!" A perfect guy, but he ended up having to choose between me and his mother. Maybe it's time for me to stop blaming myself and move on with my life. & makes me feel that we need time together more than ever. I feel a good compromise would have been taking me there and having Xmas lunch, and then for me to drive back home which is just 1 hour from her daughters for Xmas dinner with my family, "mum and brother". Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! Can you imagine meeting someone for a few supervised lunches and then agreeing to bind yourself to that person for life? He is hurting, and if nothing else, he needs someone who understands what hes feeling right now. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Why can't he take you with him to see his family? 2. Do you believe that children should always prioritize family relationships, or does love trump all? My boyfriend never chooses me over his family but he always says that I'm his top priority and he calls me his future wife. MTQxNjUzYTY4NmM4ODY5YzE3ZjYwIn0= OTA3OTUwODlkZmVmODAzYjI5MGQ3OWFiY2JlNTE0MWFjNmE1YzMyZGMxYjY4 We've been together ever since. My dad was a single dad to 3 children when he met my mum. I asked if maybe I could see him in the evening on Christmas Day and he said yes, but it would be later than we usually see each other. No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. for example today there is I wished I have left sooner. Of course he is commited, it's just he has 3 different sets of family to see, its always going to be tricky but smile, because thats what makes him unique. I cant imagine what it would be like to know your child was going to die. I will soon be in your same boat of spending most holidays alone. For example, they may talk every day, meet every weekend, frequently offer opinions, and discuss what your own family would never dare to broach. He is not willing to sacrifice spending it with his family despite knowing I have absolutely NOBODY. It used to grind my gears that she wouldn't even give me a chance. I am still struggling to understand why he chose his daughter over me. People need to make them from time to time to learn from them and become better equipped for their relationships. I have been with my husband for eight years, but he isnt that loving to me. I love my boyfriend vry much . New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, Scan this QR code to download the app now. He deserves so much more than what happened, yet here we are. Privacy Policy. And it did end up coming down to that one, crucial choice: me. Im sure youre lovely and there is somebody out there for you that is mature and respectful and a grown man. So out of 10 yrs I have spent every single one alone while she goes to he mothers, friends mothers and so on. I'm in a similar situation. Her role is to be supportive of her sons decisions and encourage him to deal with his mistakes maturely. Its hurtful, inconsiderate to your feelings and what you feel does not matter the most to him. My boyfriend doesnt show me any love anymore. Photo: getty. If he loves you enough he would include you and take you with him. Where we liveclose to mom. Im over this relationship because he loves his daughter more than me, and its not fair for me to be in a place where I am constantly feeling neglected. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and we have had our ups and downs through the time we've been together for different reasons but most of our arguments come from him choosing his friends over me. Thats why he lets his mother do what she wants and allows her to get inside his head and affect his relationship. This post is for women whose boyfriend chooses his mother over them. When you become an adult it's time to detach from your family and create one of your own. Try to have an open and understanding conversation with your daughter. And it's not just buying a house. Your boyfriend is basically letting his mother control him and making him seem incapable of maintaining his relationship NTNiYTgwMGUwNmU1ODljYjg2ZmI4MmU3MGE1ZTFiM2IwNWVjODBiZmE4ZWQx What you dont want though is to come on too strong. You raise kids who have no idea what a loving, high-functioning, healthy, mutually respectful marriage looks like. They need to stay out of it to help you grow. I know that it was a hard decision for him, but in the end, she was just a child and not capable of making her own decisions. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. Extremely close. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. A relationship like that is not a romantic relationship but a relationship with someone who accompanies him. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Mumsnet carries some affiliate marketing links, so if you buy something through our posts, we may get a small share of the sale (more details here). To the point that he'll disregard my own as long as he pleases his family. how to make your boyfriend choose you over his family, my boyfriend always chooses his family over me, My boyfriend's family is ruining our relationship, My boyfriends mom is ruining our relationship, The Difference Between Love You And I Love You. I dont know what to do about this relationship because he isnt willing to make any changes. In 2014, I met a guy. After 7 years we don't spend holidays or birthdays together-what does this mean? I feel like I come last in his life. Compromise somewhere!!!! (I had to wait for a way down the road. My boyfriend Boyfriend and I conflicted over how to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas together, Wont spend time with me, won't let me meet family. I need to accept it or move on I guess. Wanda says: Nothing like being a third wheel behind a four-legged friend. Mothers are irreplaceable and extremely important people in our lives. Not because she loves you. EVERY DAY!! Growing up an American, there were some serious cultural differences between him and his mom. Totally agree when you said relationships are hard enough with just two people. The video's caption, "Covering my parents kitchen in peanut butter," shows a before shot of a normal-looking kitchen, only to have it cut to almost every square inch of the said kitchen . NDBmYjZmMTcwYmJhODliYTkwYzk4YzU5NTMzMTA5OWY0M2IwM2NiNjc0OTY2 Life would be blissful if all loved and liked everybody we met, esp our partners friends and family. Imagine a third person meddling with their business. Should I just get over it, or does anyone think I have a right to be upset? Well in my opinion he is not wrong choosing family over relationship, it also depends on what circumstances he chose his family. You should either find a compromise or leave. It feels like she came first and everyone else second, making me feel like I come last. YjMyNjdmYjM0ZjM1M2FjZGY3ZTBhZDM0ODU2YzExMDQzYmNmOTMzMmIyMzE2 If anything, all of this has made me want to spend Christmas alone and not deal with it. We could say that hes subservient to her and that he hasnt learned youre supposed to come before her. My brother never spent Christmas with his girlfriend, always came home to be with our family. I want a newer house closer to work. Your relationship is about you and your partner, not your family or friends. This is not " close' this is toooo much. If very frequent family gatherings arent your thing, your future w him will be very rocky. He is perfect for you Except, hes not. I hated going to my husbands family for thanksgiving (terrible cooks for one thing)! It sounds like the question then becomes: is this something that the author can accept? Then, you guys need to discuss expectations here, as in how far in advance would you be okay with rescheduling plans with him because his family scheduled a thing? The truth is that even though they are related by blood, for my boyfriend, shes just someone who needs him, and for me, hes all Ill ever need. If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. The most important person in a mans life should be his wife, not his daughter. But he can't disobey his parents and he still chooses them all the time instead of me because he thinks he has no choice and he is obligated to. & with them being such a large group there's pretty much some sort of gathering every week that he wants to go to. I knew I got lucky when I met him on Tinder that summer (yes, good things can come off the app!). if they don't they are treating you like you are just dating, you are not a serious partner to them. Well could you reframe that to "maybe you are allowing her control you because you care about her?". Your best bet for the current situation is to tell him to go to this and make it up to you later. 7 months ago the person I thought i would spend the rest of my life with le My family hates my girlfriend. This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. She is not alone in this, and neither am I.. I heard those kind of problems from friends Danielle. His mother was in charge of things and sadly still is. By PopSugar Written on May 23, 2022. Don't make an issue out of it. Now she only has to be a mom two weekends a month. I even tried to break up with him a couple of months later, because I thought the differences in our backgrounds were too great. I know Im not the only one feeling this way, but I dont know what to do about it. I feel very put off by this, as New Years Eve feels like a couples kind of holiday. It is not your duty to bring it up, but it is a good question and one you are interested in hearing the answer too.. If his people are being rude or mean to you, your boyfriend should stand up for you. She's being selfish. MjM2NzcyODM2MTM5NWEyOTRjNTg1YjMyNmQ5YjJmODRmYjc1ZGQ1MDE0ZDA4 Every decision he makes has to be approved by his family. She often feels lonely and doesnt have productive things to engage in, so she focuses on people in her family who can give her a sense of importance. Need help with your relationship? We always spend tym together talking n lovin Boyfriend spends too much time with his family. Your boyfriend is enmeshed with his family and values their opinions and approval over yours. But its really important for you and the child, not just the other parent. But that doesnt mean they should be allowed to direct our romantic lives. Just as I have my own religious values, I must accept hers for what they are. My boyfriend eventually talked me off the ledge. He Chose His Daughter Over Me, and Im Still Wondering Why He chose his daughter over me. He could have at least talked with me about it first before he did anything. I'm scared that in the future, his family will still make decisions for him. You are not going to be his priority. Without me of course. If you believe Wordfence should be allowing you access to this site, please let them know using the steps below so they can investigate why this is happening.